~AiSubekiAshita:::TheLoveableTomorrow~

Crying for nothing

2006-02-01T11:19:00.000+07:00

It's always funny, to feel sad or sorry for something that you don't exactly understand what it is, right?
Well, I've decided to bid a farewell to everything that's related to him. My promise of being away from him wouldn't be realized, if I don't move away from everything that would remind me of him too, right? And that particular promise have been pending ever since that "fake", so-called goodbye.
Phew...
There's a thorn in one of the corners in my heart now; a thorn of sad and sorry feelings, for I know that this time I'm sure that I'll lose him painfully. There's no goodbye or tears now, since I've been avoiding everything that's related to him for days and that *I think* he's avoiding me too by now (I just *concluded* found out that fact); so that there is no need to say something about things between us, eh? *Hahah, somehow this song from Mr Children I'm listening from the radio sounds really sad... ='P* I think he has a developed misunderstanding about me, but I think that would be just fine then. Though I just don't wanna end it like this, this painful. Somehow I don't wanna let it go this way. A sad goodbye would be okay for me, but this is an ending with things being unsettled...
Another unsolved mysteries of *my* life, I guess.
"So sorry for every hurt feeling I've given to you, so many thanks for everything you did for me; I think this is our last goodbye."

My first post of 2k6!

2006-01-13T09:37:00.000+07:00

I've made another blog (the 3rd one!), unintendedly very early this year. Another new year, another new blog, I guess. Hahah, another "soon-to-be-neglected blog", I must say...^^;
I've made a new year wish also. I'd like to make my parents proud of me this year, by achieving a better GPA this 3rd semester. Now that I've had the final exam, it seems really hard to get that wish came true after all :(
What? My new year resolution? Eat more veggies! Veggies everyday, yay... That's called, "My Beauty Resolution of 2k6"! Haha, now it's obvious what my intention is.
I'm going to move to my friends' place this January. These last few months I was kinda' forget what was the thing that actually made me to make the decision of moving away from my sist. But hell, somehow, these few weeks I've been reminded.

Phew... Just wish me a better year! I think it would be a tough year for me, after all...

Waah~... Finally!

2005-12-23T17:49:00.000+07:00

Whew, I thought something wrong have happened, since I haven't gotten my period in these few recent weeks... But this morning I should thank God, phew!
My negative thoughts about my cycle for this month was including, "Am I pregnant? Nobody ever told me that *BEEP...* would give me a baby!" Hahah^^; But the more positive thoughts of mine said that maybe it was just God's so-called "help", since I still owe Him one more day, due to my period on last Ramadhan... Heheh, I tend to believe the latter ;]
Or maybe it was only because of my hormonal imbalance (females, the easily-affected-by-their-hormones creatures =P ), dunno. And maybe that state of being unbalanced was because my daily strains that stress the hell outta me these few weeks... Blah. And today, by the time I've finished those reports and tasks, I got my period. What a coincidence *sour* But hell, nothing's really that incidental in life...

susume!

2005-11-29T16:38:00.000+07:00

I got myself writing these following lines, last Monday morning (when I was in the Industrial/Organizational Psychology class^^;):

was it cold?
was it warm?
despite the cold voices of our farewell, the falling tears on our cheeks were warm...

was it sweet?
was it bitter?
was it sour?
such a sweet goodbye, with bitter jokes and sour smiles on both of our faces...

*the original verses on my handout page were written backward, I wrote the sweet-bitter-sour verse first*

Oh yes, so I was kinda' drowned in my own melodramatic mood yesterday. But today I've found myself doing my jobs and assignments pretty conciously (what, I didn't mention that I was like sleep-walking yesterday?) again, thank God. I know it's no good for me to be meddled with my own sentimental feelings. I've gotta' be strong, gotta' be tough! I've got my life to live, and soo... many other people I can share my love with! I should stop mumbling "Life sucks... 'Cause love hurts," 'cause life's d@mn way too beautiful to be spent with crying over such trivial stuff!
When I was doing my job today, Rick Price's Heaven Knows was played on my WinAmp as the rain started to pour outside. I was kinda', "D@mn, whatta' coincidence! Man, why this song is in my playlist anyway?" Hahah^^;
BTW, maybe the main theme for today's mood is susume namakemono of Do As Infinity. Eh, what's wrong with DAI? What, doesn't it remind me of, err... him? Hahah! OK, just a bit=P But, hey... I just love the spirit that song brought to me!

"sore de ii, sore ga ii...
susume namakemono yo!"

A day in the life...

2005-11-22T15:23:00.000+07:00

November 20, 2005...
Call it a birthday bash, call it a rendezvous.
Call it an accomplished challenge, call it a proof.

Was it fun?
Oh, yes, it was quite a fun! A "wrong fun", I must say.
It was almost dream-like, though I'm sure that I wasn't dreaming back then.
Nevertheless, considering the closing part by the end of the day, I'm still asking myself whether it was a sweet or a bad dream...

The moment I saw the tears... "Vulnerable. Fragile."
Both of us are just ordinary people, after all. We do mistakes most of the time. And we regret it only after we learned that it was wrong. I can understand that.

I never knew that it would be this hard being 19.

another ramblings of mine...

2005-09-16T15:59:00.000+07:00

I know this whole d@mn thing is wrong, but...

Man,I know this will be a big problem!
Don't ask me how, I just know it.

I'm not supposed to deal with this kind of stuff again, d@mmit.

Guess I've been losing my track...
Would it be possible for me to find my way back?

Such a beautiful mistake, my sweetest sin.

"It's just the chance we took,
Having never ever planned to fall in love, Love."
(Love, by TRAVIS, from The Man Who album)

"Back from hiatus!" Err... I guess?

2005-04-09T09:40:00.000+07:00

And yeah, here I am again! Someone miss me? *accepts a total silence* Err... Yeah, well... It's good to be back here^^;
Gee... It's been about three months, since the last time I updated this humble blog, I guess. Where have I been, you ask? *accepts another cold atmosphere^^;* Well...
It was my lack of will to be more responsible to everything I've started that always gets on my way, everytime I feel an urge to update this blog. Actually I wanted to write something down here a couple of times, but then other things got on my way as well... One of them is my active (kinda'=p) participations on some certain online forums (that can hold me for hours in front of the screen, if there's an interesting topic going on!). *Lemme' see... How many different nicknames I've been using for those forums?*
But then, by the time I felt really bad for neglecting this blog for months, as I wanted to start to update this blog all over again, the server for my digital-lab's down! D*mn... Don't you guys all know, I always use these public facilities a.k.a the PCs in my faculty's digital-lab to get online, eversince I moved to this town? I know what would happen with my attempts to post something if I still try to use the slow connection: USELESS! It happened to a friend of mine a couple of days ago; her post for her blog was vanished, instead of being published.
Nevertheless, today I decided to cope with that d*mn slow connection, and considered that maybe if it's not a large post then it would be okay. What did I find when I've managed to get to the digital-lab's front door? A paper with "CLOSED FOR MAINTENANCE" written on it!
Oh yeah, well... Here I am now, in a public internet-cafe with an ordinarily slow connection. Hope that the digital-lab's server recovered soon, because it requires a hell-d*mn much more money to be online from a public internet cafe than from my beloved digital-lab!
Another factor for my hiatus: I'm losing my track in English, recently. *boo-hoo...*

End-Term Exam Report: S.U.C.K.S

2005-01-18T11:36:00.000+07:00

When I've just done my mid-term exam, I hoped that the end-term exam would help, but now it turns out to be a wishful thinking afterall.
The whole mentally-torturing process was horrible, though on one particular subject I might got a score with flying-colors. The end-term exam supposed to be my last hope to get good scores, so that I can continue my studies in a short time. Well... I guess it wouldn't be that easy.*sighs*
Though it seems that I'm undisturbed with the fact that my exams are in an absolute danger, it still stresses me beneath. Yeah, back to "my major hypocrisy" stuff. It's so... damn easy to hide beyond falsehood and lies.
Down in the dumps...

Follow the light!

2004-11-23T08:25:00.000+07:00

So the short, so-called "holiday vacation" is finally over.
I had a quite nice time with my friends and families back at my hometown last week. You see, due to the holiday, I went back to my hometown for the last two weeks; and it was really nice to see them again. I actually felt kinda frustated, everytime I was thinking of leaving my hometown again after the vacation was over...
But my gloomy mood is over now!
Enough is enough, I've gotta go back to my daily activities now. Today is my second day in campus, and I still feel that for it's my choice to live far from my parents and left my hometown and friends, I should achieve some kinds of proof here!

Everyone's on the make, and everyone's out for themselves...
Yep, everytime "Oh, my life is one miserable thing," thought pops in my head, I always try to think that I'm not the poorest thing in this whole world, and that there are much more, many people who live harder, tougher life than mine. If mine is compared with theirs, I guess it's a rather mild-gentle one^^;

Me, I'm on the longest road, where everything's overload...
Talking about life and its cruelty, I always feel kinda lucky to find many types of characters in people I meet. But to face all strives and discords in this cruel, rigorous world, I need to find people with some distinct qualities that match mine...

But I've got my heart and soul, so don't throw me overboard...
I'm the type that adapts with the others, so I find myself fits almost every type of people. I reject others, only if they're not "good" people (but I've ended up having good relationships with those so-called "bad" people and proved that other people's prejudice towards them were wrong).

'Cos it's alright, just follow the light and don't be afraid of the dark!
I have a half-sist, a bestfriend of mine from my Junior-High years, and we're still maintaining our friendship though both of us left our hometown and live in even farther, different town now. Yeah, we're grown-ups-to-be and live separate lives now, but we're still a "we"!

In the moonlight, we'll dance till you fall and always be here, in my heart...
I have another sisterhood now^o^ I call it "The Mellow Yankees"; we're a real bunch of girl-gang-member type, but we're still mellow for having many experiences together and taking insights from those... Our bold acts maybe a real surprise for people who might think that we're angelically perfect in manners, but we are THAT bad. Really^^; Okay, we don't wreck stores or break some random doors, but I really think that the three of us really have some "problems".

'Cos it's alright, alright now...
I have a problem of having a split personality (I'm a bit defiant, aloof and phlegmatic; but really friendly and kind-hearted), Dahl is having a problem of falling in love easily (rather, heheh^^) and lives a hard life as first daughter and an older sister of a smartass little girl, and Dee has problems in finding her true identity and having somekind of fondness in "dirty stuffs" that Dahl and me always "Eew...!" at^^; We're THAT KIND of yankee.

And you're alright, alright now...
People live their lives, I should live my own live too. Everyone else's working hard, so I should work hard too!

Follow The Light belongs to Travis, a certain band from the Highlands (Scotland), and the italicized words are the lyrics from Follow The Light, from the album The Invisible Band.

And yeah, I think I have a crush again...,,^.^,,

2004-10-20T11:19:00.000+07:00

I went to Tazz's blog yesterday, and found out that she has a series of stories about her new crush she found in her new class; I got pretty 'inspired', that I decided to write about the apple of my eyes these few weeks as well.

Trying to find the magic
Trying to write a classic

He's a senior who went to my Sociology class; I'm a 2004 and he's a 2001. I've met him earlier (he's my sis's junior), but at that time I was only, "Oh yeah, he's awfully sweet. So, what's for lunch, Sis?":p I know I'm pretty cold at guys sometimes. When I saw him walked into my class (it wasn't only me, the entire girls in my class were!) the first time later on, I was wondering if I ever met him before. But by the end of the class, I finally remembered...

Waste-bin full of paper
Clever rhymes, see you later

And yeah, so I end up going to my Sociology class with wishful thinkings now. I write random words that usually turned out to be love-song lyrics the whole noon before the class, sing those lyrics, and enthusiastically staring at the door. I wait for him appearing on the door, and fall deeply in gloom if he doesn't show up till the class over. Am I in love?

These words are my own
From my heart flown
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you

I dunno why I always end up falling for a popular guy. They're actually not that popular the first time I met them, but in the end it would turn out to be the whole girls lurking for them! I dunno if it's because I 'promote' them way... too much, that other girls eventually end up wanting them too; but I can say that I never fall for a guy's popularity! I know some people who fall for someone because their friend is in love with him/her first, or just because everyone else seems to love him/her; but it's definitely not me. I'm pretty honest with my own feelings, and I'm sure that I would fall for a guy if he deserves it.

There's no other way
To better say
I love you, I love you...

This guy (let's just call him WizBoy from now on^.~) is very quiet. I think he's kinda aware that every girl's eyes in my class are on him everytime he walked in, that he always comes along with the professor now. He always sits in the back (and I always in front rows!), avoiding being watched on his back, I guess. He even takes different path from my class's kids to go downstairs everytime the class is over! He's a real one quiet guy...

These words are my own
From my heart flown
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you

I accidentally met him this morning. Thank God I could manage to finish my Statistics test quite well, that I could meet him on my way to go downstairs... Thank God I could manage to smile at him... And thank God once again, that he smiled back at me!

There's no other way
To better say
I love you...

I didn't plan to follow him, so I walked down the stairs quickly; but we ran to each other again outside. I could hardly stand not to smile... I even walked behind him (rather unconciously, maybe^^;) till the parking lot! Ah, maybe I'll write a poem about him soon... I just can't figure out what I'm feeling right now...

I love you, is that okay...?

The italic lines are from Natasha Bedingfield's These Words.

Am I doing OK?

2004-10-07T09:20:00.000+07:00

Some people who have visited this long-forgotten page of mine might got wondering all around, "Where the hell the blogmistress might've gone these last few months?" Hahah, yeah, rite... Like there is anyone who would actually ask.
I was officially moving to another town (where my bro and sist stay) last mid-August. It was because I've finally made it to enroll to the university I've expected for a quite while. Yep, I didn't take the pre-selection to get a scholarship to Japan eventually... Yeah, maybe later. Aww~...>o<
So, I have to adjust to a new kind of life-style; a more rural, a bit isolated and out-of-date... But it's fine^^! The town where I live now is a town where you can find a lot of cultural activities and such, a quite large number of students having their academic lives far from their hometown, some foreigners blended with locals, and heritages from the reigning royal family, etc. In short, this town is way... different from the megapolis I used to spend my childhood and teenhood.
But I'm a big liar, if I say that I don't miss my hometown at all.
Yeah, well... Sure I miss my Mum (and Dad?!), my pals, my crushes, my ex-highschool (can't believe it myself), my room and the bathtub, my computer that I didn't have a chance to brought here yet (nnooo...!!), the simplicities I used to get as person who lives in a big central city, etc. But, ah... I know I'll get over it somehow. Here, I (still, though I have a plan to move and live with a friend) stay with my long-missed bro and sist (and a sister-in-law, actually), I've met a great number of new people who actually share the same interests as mine or giving me new insights of their own interests, and I can get simplicities in a new kind of way here (I mean, simplicities as literal in the way you call "back to the old ways"^^;). Here, I'm sure I'll get many experiences I can use for my whole life, just like the experiences I've gotten in my hometown (it's a big city, actually)... Hopefully.
So, "Welcome to your new life!" and people, friends, please say this along with me, "Ganbatte ne..." It helps me, really. Motivating myself to expect the unexpected and encouraging myself to live one more day are my new habits here (you see, in the bathroom, I always sing L'Arc~en~Ciel's Ready Steady Go regularly now).
"Ready, steady, can't hold me back...
Ready, steady, give me good luck!
Ready, steady, never look back...
Let's get started, ready, steady, go!"
Ah, it's good to know that I'm alive and still have more things to do here^^! Ganbatte kudasai, minna-san...n_n

Lost in nostalgic moods...

2004-08-12T11:39:00.000+07:00

I got really sentimental lately, dunno why...
These past couple of months, I've been spending my daily life with losing myself in self-consciences about having a romantic love story of my own. I think I'm a bit WAY too drawn into the world of sappy teenage manga about highschool puppy-love I'm reading...^^;
And yeah, so I sing every romantic love songs that popped into my mind these past months as well.

By the way, about the nostalgic moods, maybe it's just because the present moment I'm having right now, of having some goodbyes to some people. I got myself easily burst into tears, when it comes to farewell, goodbyes, life-time memories, etc. ... Yep, I'm definitely that kind of person who treasures memories THAT MUCH and goes frantically melodramatic everytime I get something that brings reminiscences from the have-been-long-forgotten past~... Yea, yea, maybe that's why I'm a total freak fan of everything old-fashioned. Though maybe that stuff doesn't have any relation with me in the past, but somehow, I can feel that "This stuff definitely has somekind of history with it" feeling.

If you noticed, I've put another MIDI file in this humble blog of mine, which you can pick to be turned on besides the older one. It's actually a MIDI file from a classic (I think it was an early 90s, maybe 1992-1994) JDorama (Japanese drama) themesong I used to watch when I was still at primary school. It was "Ordinary People ("Asunaro Hakusho" was the original Japanese title)", that mainly featured friendship-theme in it. I like that kind of theme a lot (though I hardly remember the main show^^;)!
So, yeah... Try to listen to that new (but actually a classic one^^;) MIDI file besides the one I've put before (the "Epilogue" from Fruits Basket)! Oh, yeah, the title is "True Love", by the way (nee... It's already written there, for God's sake! I'm a bit too excited here...^^;).

One pretty long post...

2004-08-09T09:46:00.000+07:00

About the tightened-chest feeling, thank God, it turns out to be something that isn't really serious...*relieved* It's just a gastritis after all (Heheheh, it seems ridiculuos now, that I thought it could be my old pneumonia acted up again...); gasses in my have-been-empty-for-a-quite-while stomach came up to my chest and gave me this stiff feeling. So, the doctor told me to eat more regularly now (and gave more prescriptions too, of course!), instead of just having a HUGE package of meals at a time whenever I "feel" hungry. Blah, that's my secret of having this slim body-shape all this time afterall!
About the sore-throat, it comes out just to be an early stage of a bad cold I'm having right now. My nose ran for the whole day last Saturday, I had a fever by Saturday night and the next day (which is, the Sunday that Mum have planned to have her family-gathering in the house~...), and I've been coughing all the way on the weekend till now. But hey, I WON'T LOSE JUST FOR A FEVER LIKE THIS!! *strong determination, Honda Tooru mode* I should get over this!

These past few days, I've been wondering all by myself of my moving to another town and have to let all of my pals go (I'm the one who'll leave, afterall...). It's sad, just to think about it. If you got wondering why am I having this kind of thought after it's already a couple of months after the graduation, it's because I'm not that sored if it comes to my regular fellow schoolmates; I got this melodramatic because it comes to my school-club pals!
You see, I got a lot of lessons while I'm having my highschool life, and I still really treasure it even now. I got to know many kinds of people from the regular schoolmates, I had a real bitter-sweet slices of life from my classmates, I got to know many traits of people from my deskmates, I had many lessons and experiences from other Student Council members; yet I got THOSE STUFFS IN A SINGLE PACKAGE from my fellow club members! Maybe I should say that, more or less, I can get this far because I got here along with them... I just can't stand of thinking that I should try to depend on myself from now on. That would be cruel for me, and a real sad farewell for all of us...

For this time being, if you noticed, I've added some infos about myself a few more in "Me, Myself, and I" section. About the "Just can't resist" line, it's supposed to be things that literally I really just can't resist (and they're generally related to men^^;)! Yeah, I just got freaked out everytime things I've mentioned there came upon my eyes, cause I would just can't control myself to do some "things". For example:
#1 I can flip one broad table pretty easily if I see a guy's collarbones just to hide my all-red blushed face (authorities should forbid guys to have their collarbones shown in public!)
#2 I can smack some random people's heads unintendedly right after a guy smiled at me (yep)
#3 I can bang my head to the wall and wailing to show my deep sympathy if a guy cry out of his own misery (I just feel that I'm useless, that I can't help him to get over his misery~...)
#4 I'll get petrified and sinking to my own world if I see a guy watching over or just having a good time with children (I'm not the type of a girl most children like to be with --_--)

Oh, well... By the way, just for your infos, I've featured PLENTY of links here, in my blog! You see, most people misinterpret a blog as a live-journal; it's not wrong to have a journal in your blog, but you just can't ignore the first rule in blogging, "You have to feature links to other sites or blogs, if you want people call this thing you're meddling with HTML a blog!"
Now that I'm thinking of it, maybe many people who have visited my blog here didn't notice that most of the stuffs here are linked to other sites, just to give you people a great leisure time of browsing around the net with the help of my humble blog here! Now, start to click on the texts, buttons and banners I've featured here for you!

I don't wanna die~...!! sobs

2004-08-02T14:03:00.000+07:00

You see, I've been having a sore throat since Friday. I thought it would last only for approximately a day or two, but... It's getting worse each day, and my chest becomes aching as well now.
When I was telling my Mum about this first, she just told me to have some antibotics; but when the aches didn't even decreased, I KNOW this isn't just a regular sore throat most people have whenever they caught a flu.
And yeah, after I had a 'tiny' fight with Mum last night (about whether I should see a doctor or not), I went to the hospital where Mum works as a nurse (all of her children went there everytime they had 'something wrong') this morning. I got my heart scanned, an x-ray for my aching chest, and the worst thing is... Got my blood sucked-up by a HUGE syringe. The "kinda-cute" face of the doctor who took my blood sample relaxed me a bit, but you know IT STILL HURTS when you have an alien-stuff under your skin... Ouch~...
I hope this isn't a serious problem and won't get a long time to get over with. You see, since my throat became like this, I reduced the portions of my daily meal (I'm a real skinny girl, but I have a HUGE appetite) and it sucks. I used to sing around whenever, wherever, or whatever my mood is, but now it hurts whenever I have to take a breath between the lyrics; I hate it. I'm afraid I'd lose my pleasure time of having some athletics around the stadium when this is a real problem for my health; it's rather a pity, since athletics is the only thing I'm good at in sports...
Ah, let's just hope for the best now, I guess... I know GOD won't have His creation suffers more than what he can stands... I just believe in Him.

PS: I had some early stages of pneumonia once, when I was much more younger than now.

A fun song to listen to and sing with, yet really describes myself...

2004-07-30T13:50:00.000+07:00

Azayakana Hana by Do As Infinity
I'm currently listening to "Gates of Heaven" CD by Do As Infinity right now. DAI is surely one great JPop band exists here on earth!! You should listen to their songs! They've made songs for another Japanese artists too, y'know...

Due to my new addictions about NARUTO...

2004-07-30T11:00:00.000+07:00

Which Naruto Character are You?
quiz by orangeday.net

Yup, it's another result from a personality quiz I've found in another blogger's page. I'm definitely an unemployed pasokon-otaku (a computer freak) who doesn't have any other things necessarily to do besides watching anime, reading manga, and groping my phone-line.

Ah, I know I didn't get online for a while.

2004-07-28T15:42:00.000+07:00

And here it is, my result from a personality-quiz from (what else...) Quizilla!

Hatsuharu

Which Fruits Basket (Furuba) Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Well, you can always see the tag-line I've featured at this page; this is an online journal for my TRIPLE PERSONALITIES (besides as my self-amusements)!
I know I'm regularly can let go things off at ease, but when I'm pissed, even my craziest buddy shouldn't get on my way for their own sake. Normally, you can see me as a smiley girl with glasses with that geek-look, pretty quiet when I haven't known you really well, but wisecrackin' a lot when we can get along better; though, you can surely find me a little dark and bitter when I find today's weather isn't really nice for me. I wouldn't mind to bring a fight outside, if I find you annoying.
But, hey! If you've watched Fruits Basket, I can say that Haru really is suits me. Both of us split at edges of our personalities, and we don't even realized it everytime we're altering to another personality. The only differences about our split personality, maybe, that Haru has two personality only, instead of my three personalities.
Ah, soushite... The bottom line is, most of the time, I'm a real mellow, quiet girl, a wallflower (when I'm at this "mode", I used to say some wise, philosophical stuffs T_T). But at another time, maybe I can throw some ridiculous pranks and joking all the time as the clown of the party as well (y'know, those "intelligent" things^^). And... at some rare parts of the time, I can be the hell-scariest girl in town (literally scary, I must say...). Yeah, that's me. The split me.

God loves me.

2004-06-01T10:51:00.000+07:00

There are surely times when I don't believe that I should thank God for what I am and what I've got this far, but there are times when I should really thank God for being The Most Supreme and feel really ashamed for losing my faith and hopes at times.
I'm not trying to act sappy here, but that's the exact feeling I'm having now. His gifts to me are soaring sky, despite of my mounting high sins and odds... I should really thank Him for loving me this much. I love You too...

PS: Thank God, I've been accepted in Psychology departement at one of public universities I admired... Yay! God is great!
Want a proof? Click the link and put this code into the box provided there: 2040101948

My major hypocrisy.

2004-05-19T04:02:00.000+07:00

And yeah, so my finals were over last week. And they were horrific.
Have I ever felt this annoyed and queasy before, right after I've taken my finals? The tests were ordinary tests, but the options provided (i.e the answers) were unbelivably puzzling and twisted! I could even hardly depend on English, the subject that used to be the most eligible one to be the easiest test, the one everyone knows I (kinda) excels on.
I don't know what my parents's reaction will be if I failed the tests... Maybe they'll be more upset and dissappointed to me than before, I guess. And my bro' and sist will stare at me as if I'm Nessie who's wearing a choker on a busy midday in New York. And my friends, what about them? Well, since I've decided not to go out for a few centuries if I failed, I don't have to face them, that's for sure. In fact, I don't have any intentions or will to face the world again if I failed. They were my finals, dammit.
One funny thing is, as usual, I can pretend to look as if my days are still indisturbedly nice and sunny, that there's nothing boggling my mind and screeching "You won't pass the testssss..." inside my head. And the funniest of all, I can even manage to encourage others at the same time! I amazed with this particular ability of mine, sometimes. I don't know how I can say those 'inspiring' and encouraging things to others, even by the same time I should have been worried too! I'm just wondering to myself most of the time, if I can be the one who's crying on my friend's lap and spilling all my worries and fears too... I'm just tired to be the optimist, you know. Or the hypocrite, I must say.

Love's in the air...!!

2004-05-05T13:48:00.000+07:00

KyoRu pairings? Why not? I just love it, whenever the scenes put Kyo and Tohru together... It's just genuine. It's just the real feelings. It's just something you don't even sure of. Is it... love? Yeah, it's love. Ahh~...T_T

Kyo and Tohru are two most-expected couple of mine from Fruits Basket that I really addicted to.

I'm high but I'm grounded...

2004-05-05T04:11:00.000+07:00

Hand In My Pocket is a good song to sing whenever I have to be wiser and got something hard to deal with, but it's a good song whenever I feel high and happy, but on the other hand still have to be grounded...

Today, I found out that even the tiniest good thing God ever gave me is still the greatest gift for me, He knows what's best for me. Good things happen to everyone, nobody's the most miserable or blissful. I know when good things happen to me, I'll thank God. I do know too, when bad things happen to me, I should thank God as well for making me tougher.

Dunno why...

2004-05-02T05:10:00.000+07:00

1. I can't stand to grope my phone line and go online whenever I see my Nekozuki (it's my PC's pet-name).
2. I never remember how much time I've spent if I'm online.
3. The phone bills are going wild.
4. I don't get myself in my studies and tests at school, but got so "into it" when it comes to internet and computer.
5. I'm still using my Nekozuki to go online at this very moment.

It's my time to feel sorry to myself and people who pay my phone bills (a.k.a my parents) again. You know, the end of month. I dunno either, if I finally can make it to not to go online for a while again... Ah, me and my tempting Nekozuki...

Na 'ah... Just a result from a random quiz at Quizilla.

2004-04-29T10:32:00.000+07:00

Your a Magical Angel!Out of all the angels, you are
the one most afflicted with magic. You can do
many enchantments as well as sorcery. You cant
do black magic, because even though your not so
"pure" your still an angel. A very
kind and curious one at that. Magical Angels
are always very easy-going with humans, but
intrestingly enough, like to expirement with
them with their spells.

What Kind of ANGEL are you? (For Girls only) This Quiz has amazingly Beautiful Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla

Add to my new addictions:

2004-04-26T13:28:00.000+07:00

1. fullmetal.panic!
Dunno why, I just like Sagara Sousuke and the romantic-comedy this anime carry on.
2. UGM and Yogya...
Yep, it's gonna be my lifetime addiction, I guess...
3. Blogging, blog, webloging, blogs... yapayapayapayapa...
4. Looking for free webspace to upload and save my images
Kinda' frustated to look for one, with easy and simple log-ins...;_;
5. Looking for a prospective future-husband
Nope, I'm not joking. Anyone interested to be in the nominations?

the Sagara Sousuke image is from here.

I'm back...!!^o^

2004-04-26T10:22:00.000+07:00

Yep, I'm back from outta town now! I wanted to stay there much longer, actually... But well, some things happened, I messed my plans once again... Blah blah blah, here I am again.
Yeah, I shouldn't have said "Okay, then." to Vivian (let's just call her Vian now), when she asked me to come back to this town with her by Sunday. She said that she wouldn't have anyone to accompany her, so I said OK. She didn't tell me that the only reason why she wanted to go back here by Sunday is actually to catch up with his boyfriend! Dammit, Vian! I should have been wandering around Yogya that Sunday night! Oh yeah, well... It was me who agreed her at the first place. Damn.

And about the private entry-test... It ran quite well! Err... Uh, I guess.
The first test was the basic skill. It consisted of basic Maths, Indonesians, English... just the usual basics. Somehow, I felt encouraged (kinda) by the time I did that test... I know I shouldn't have been that confident with my ultra-minimum preps, but I found myself answering 109 questions out of 120! Ah, at this moment, I just found out that I was waaay... too confident.<(--_--)>
The second test that day was the Social-Sciences... *_* Yeckt! I'm doomed.
Yeah, I forgot what happened on November 3, 1945, I forgot in what dinasty Shih Huang Ti was reigned and started to build The Great Wall, and it was just in the History part.
In Geography, I didn't have a clue of the difference between "vulcanism" and "plutonism", the "cosequent, resequent, efluent, subsequent, obsequent" rivers, or how to measure the air pressure on certain heights! Damn, I was waaaay... too confident, tried to fill all of the blank dots!
And the Economics? Oh, that. Nothing really special happened, actually... The only prob is, it was the worst Economics I've ever had! Hwaahh... *starts wailing*

But, overall, I think my weekend in Yogya was really fun! Me and my friend (Dahlia) arrived by Saturday morning (from a restless and almost sleepless night on the train ^^;) and stayed at my bro's (my sist live there too) house and, by noon, my sist took us both (me and Dahlia) to all around UGM... Yeah!! We did some stuffs recklessly, had a real fun... Yay!! Juat a glimpse of what we did during the day:
1. My sist had to be present in a presentation held by one of her professors, so we got there first. It was a presentation of having a study in Germany, and referred for the UGM students only. But yeah, my sist sneaked us both to join the presentation as well succesfully... I fell asleep during the presentation, though. Hope I didn't snore, heheheh.
2. We took a nice walk around the varsities and faculties, and finally went to "Balairung", the centre for UGM students. There was a little strike by the time we got there, and we had a short interlude by watching those UGM students yell and encourage their friends to reject new regulated fee towards new students... Cool...
3. At the same time, while the strike took place in the yard, there was an inaugural ceremony held by one of the deans (or professors?) in the building of Balairung. It was a rather expensive and luxurious ceremonial party with a small group of orchestra and lunch-buffet, and (surely) we wouldn't let this 'opportunity' to be left out! And yeah, so we got a free, expensive, and cozy lunch there.
4. We spend the rest of the day by daytripping here and there, had a real fun more, and got back home... And have I mentioned that we had that short daytrip on my sist's motorcycle? Yep, three girls on an old motorcycle, having their heads wrapped in helmets*... Hahahah, you'd laugh (or at least, smile like people we met) if you had seen us!

* You see, in Yogya, you woudn't see much like this. The regulations there are strict, and actually we got freaked out at first. And to make this even worse, I argued my sist to let us (me and Dahlia) to wear helmets like her.
She said, "You two don't have to wear the helmets both. Just one of you and me will do."
But I said, "Hah? But it'd be worse! We're already three persons on one wrecked old bike, and one of us doesn't wear a helmet? I'll wear a helmet, and surely Dahlia will too. We don't have to add more 'sins' in our black list."
And yeah, we had our three heads wrapped in BIG helmets. Talking about the Jedi troops from Star Wars, we were pretty much look like them. Or I was, since I was the one who wore the BIGGEST one.

Yep, I'm going outta town this weekend...

2004-04-23T04:19:00.000+07:00

...to take an entry test!^^;
Well, I wanna have fun there also, instead of just taking an entry test. You see, my pre-final tests didn't seem ran really well, and it's frustating! Maybe I'll be better with a new and fresher air there, at that town...
And talking about my pre-finals... It's agitating, but at the same time it's frustating me...!! Argh, I don't even want to know about my scores... Isn't it awful to see your bad results, before you take the next tests?! ARGHHH...!!

About my blogs, is there anyone out there who can help me to know where I can save and upload pictures from my own PC in a free webspace? I just found out that some of the images don't appear on other people's screen...

By the way, I think I catch a cold. Wee... Another entry test, some other finals at school, and I got a flu. Yeah, great.

another hard day with tests...

2004-04-21T01:56:00.000+07:00

I messed my Economics again...
I thought I've done my best, but I think it would be a miracle if I passed with flying colors instead of another bad one...
Ah, I always wondering why on earth people love to talk about the test they just had, even when they're just a yard from the class where they had the test! It's just depressing, you know... If it's a test which I suck at, I'll be intimidated whenever they discuss about some questions asked, that I found out really tricky... And I'll be even more intimidated, if my answers are considered wrong... AAAHH...!! *yells desperately*
And it goes the same way, if I'm the so-called "expert"... In some classes, I'll be the one whom they'll ask to discuss about the test. But I don't like that either! It's not that enjoyful, to see some of my friends turned pale whenever their answers are different than mine! I know how it feels to be in their shoes, so I find it really bad psychologically. <(--_--)> *sighs*

By the way, I found out that another blog of mine really needs some "polishes"... Well, what can I do, then?

He's my man...

2004-04-19T05:33:00.000+07:00

I'm Kenshin!

2004-04-19T05:28:00.000+07:00

My time's almost done here!

2004-04-19T02:02:00.000+07:00

Today, I've finally got my final thesis done. Yay! I want to shed some tears here...

But I didn't go to my juku to have a try-out today... And actually, yesterday, I've skipped it too! Bad girl...
To add you something more about my self-sluggishness (I got it from Dad), I also skipped a try-out at school today. Every kid should have gone there, but I didn't. Talking about one shoujo-kakumei... I mean, duuh! It's Sunday, and I should come to school? After 5 days, from Monday to Friday? And I got a try-out at school yesterday as well! Bah, why on earth the teachers love to torture their students with tests and try-outs? It seems really hard to let us go free, graduated and making our own journey through campus-life...
I'm going outta town this week. I'll have an entry-test there, and I really long to go there for months! It's the town where my bro' and sist live, actually. The prob is, I haven't do anything to get prepared for that test. Just like what I've always said, "Warui de baka yo ne..." Yeah, I'm really one evil, but foolish thing. Good Lord, spare me.

So I've made another blog of mine...

2004-04-17T04:54:00.000+07:00

Our thoughts are ours...
Yup, for those of you ("Who?!") who visit this blog in regular dose everyday, you can also visit another humble blog of mine now... I made it as a somekind of project... I blog there with a friend of mine, but I won't tell you which one is me (I use different nickname there). You can also go there by clickin' on the image of Kenshin-san holding an umbrella in "Credits" besides clickin' on "Our thoughts are ours..." up there. Gimme' suggestions and critics, or just swear us a few words.

So, there is always someone for someone...

2004-04-14T02:07:00.000+07:00

This thing has been boggling my mind for years... It's about my destiny. Yes, destiny. Am I destined to find the perfect one, the one who really suits me oneday?
Yeah, so my love-life really a mess. But I don't really that care, actually. The times when I thought that my life would end miserably if I'd never spent my weekend with a particular guy had already behind my back. I'm not that naive. My life will be better if I don't have a love one. Whereas, I'm still trying to make my dreams and goals came true.
But this, it's not naive to wonder if I would find my life-time friend someday, is it?

So I've just reread Meitantei Conan manga. People who read Conan would surely know about Sonoko, Ran's friend. Sonoko (dunno why) always eagerly looking for guys, enthusiastically looking for ways to attract any guy she finds good-looking and stuff. In the other hand, Sonoko actually aware that Ran (her friend who always asked to join her 'hunts' ^^;) is waiting for Shinichi (Conan's actual form) only, that Ran never really pays any attention to another guy who gave her special attentions instead of giving those 'attentions' to Sonoko. It revealed in an episode in the manga that, actually, Sonoko kinda' envies Ran. Sonoko thought that she always finds the wrong guy, the so-called bad guy, aven suspects in crimes that Conan solved! She thought it was never fair for her, and that the 'good guys' only attracted with Ran. Not 'till she had this trip to Izu resorts one summer, and they (Sonoko, Ran, and Conan) got involved in mysterious murders on brunettes...
And yeah, blah blah blah, the crime solved. In the mean time, there is this guy (who actually one of the suspects earlier) who saved Sonoko (Sonoko's a brunette, that poor girl...--_--) who treated Sonoko (and her gang) kinda' harsh at first, but that supposed to be somekind of preventions to keep Sonoko hell away from the real villain of those murders. And he actually has a crush on Sonoko since the time he saw her (on national karate match where Sonoko gave her supports to Ran who joined the match)! Ah, so finally, Sonoko found the right guy for her... Well, actually, at the end of the episode, this guy went abroad to wander around, looking for equal match for him(^^;) and Sonoko kinda' sad. But she got over it rather quickly and found out another 'interesting' guy soon <(--_--)>.

If I were Sonoko, I'll wait for Makoto (that sweet, nice, good-looking guy who kicks bad guy's ass), just like what Sonoko said when she hadn't found another guy to replace Makoto after his departure. But unfortunately, I haven't found any guy who saved my life and put his care on me. Yeah. Reality does bite.
But I believe that oneday, I'll find him, the perfect one for me. Maybe he'll be my reason to change my "Sunday morning-like lifestyle". Maybe he'll save my life. Maybe I'll be the one who help him outta trouble. I really believe (and hope on) it. I know God had destined me with this particular guy at the first place. It just takes time to find him out. But I would still believe in it, in God's will on my destiny. I believe.

Culture Shock Week

2004-04-07T01:39:00.000+07:00

Culture Shock Week: Photo Contest, Photo Gallery, Downloads, Postcards (National Geographic Channel USA)
Well, the picture you see next to this was attracting me at the first place. I like the way that guy looks; half man-faced and half woman-faced on another side. It's just cool.

Doushite ("What's wrong" in English)?

2004-04-07T00:28:00.000+07:00

Okay, independence is cool, ne? But I'm just wondering here.
I'm wondering why on earth it feels so silent and sleepy here, in my weblog. I always thought that it should have been more cheerful with laughter, hilarious comments from everyone who dropped by, and more comments on the tag-board and stuff.
I know that my weblog's appearance may freak visitors out (well, you can see its gloomy tone here) at first, but that's a choice of mine to have this kind of dark, goth-like-wannabe ("Ah.") blogskin! After all, it's not that dark, ne?*looking for positive reactions desperately* It's just kinda' ashey-dark and represents my personality pretty well.
Oh well, if there's somekind of way to add (eh, I mean advertise here) a weblog in such a way other than the so-called "Publishing Announcements" in the Blogger main-homepage, please tell me. I hope there'll be someone who can tell me how by the time I get back from the hiatus. And for those people who drop by, please leave a comments here...*still, desperately looking for positive reactions* It's just not fair, I've done nearly everything to somewhat customize this weblog! You can at least say something good about it! *starts to wail*

Now I know what they mean with "webspace".

2004-04-05T15:51:00.000+07:00

You can see now that the sitebanners are appearing. Yeah! Now I understand what they call "upload it to your own webspace, don't direct-link it." <(--_--)> Talking about an amateur...
So I've uploaded those sitebanners to my Yahoo!Briefcase...

Oh, by the way, I didn't join the General Election today. I'm not registered yet. Maybe I'll finally make it by the 2nd stage of it, on July 5. I'm a good citizen, OK?

WASEDA UNIVERSITY, my dream campus...

2004-04-05T01:07:00.000+07:00

WASEDA UNIVERSITY

/\/\ o u |_ z : Komik Indonesia euy..

2004-04-05T00:32:00.000+07:00

/\/\ o u |_ z : Komik Indonesia euy..
yeah, komik Indonesia lagi, 'nya?

JEJAK-JEJAK RODA BAJAJ

2004-04-05T00:29:00.000+07:00

JEJAK-JEJAK RODA BAJAJ
Hidup komik Indonesia...!!

I LOVE MY MUM...!!

2004-04-04T21:37:00.000+07:00

Why on earth I feel so gifted today? Because I have my Mum!
The incident began with a moody Saturday noon. I didn't go to my juku class that day. Dunno why ('till now), though. Just me and my mood. I felt kinda' guilty the following afternoon, especially when Mum came from her work and asked me why didn't I go. I hid from her in my room and pretended to sleep instead of explaining her why. And mum didn't do anything. It freaked me out even more.
But I didn't even think about the consequences the following day...
This Sunday morning, I decided to go to the juku and told Mum that she should go with Dad for the trip she had with her colleagues. We had planned this trip for about 2 weeks ago, and she was pretty excited about it. I shouldn't have told her that.
After a gap, she asked me why didn't I go to the juku the day before. I told her that I JUST WANTED to go there today. She told me that it was impossible to give the tickets (to the theme park) to someone else today. And I said that I JUST WANTED to go to juku. And then, she started to say that I never appreciate the things she had done for me and that I'm the one who always disappoints her. And she began to cry. And you know I can't stand to Mum's tears.
I tried to take her hand, but she refused. She yelled, she cried, and I did the same thing. She got back to the kitchen (still crying and yelling at me) and I got back to my room too (still crying and yelling too).
So then, Mum really had her time to let go of her mind today, I guess. She said that I always thinks that I'm mightier than anyone else and that I always takes an easy to everything. She told me that I always disappoints her and never appreciate all the things she done for me. She asked me to respect Dad more too. She cried when she said those.
And I gave excuses, that's for sure. I asked her back that if I'm not a nice daughter of her and that I always disappoint her, then she might regreted to have a daughter like me. And I was crying too.
So we had a fight for almost half an hour then.

But then, we found out that we only hurt each other and get sored and felt sorry by doing that. And things were getting better by the time we eased ourselves, right?
So, Mum came to my room. She rubbed my hair and said that she felt sorry for me. She told me that she didn't really mean what she said about me, that God left me for her as a gift, and that she would explain me more about Dad when the perfect time comes. I hugged her. I said that I felt REALLY (I mean it!) for her too, and that I understand that she didn't mean those bad things about me (but I know I am that bad to her sometimes--_--) she had said. And we hugged each other more tightly. She told me that she just wants the best for me. I love my mum.

And I must admit that we really had a great time at the theme park today! I asked one of my friends, Dee, to join with us; Dad said that he didn't want to come with us and he didn't show up untill we reach the front-gate to go to the theme park. He gave me extra money instead; kinda' like him whenever he does that.

Dee really tried to kill me by any chance today, anyway. She asked me to take any ride that involves heights, centrifugal and centripetal forces, anti-gravitation forces, spilled water, etc. ... Well, by the afternoon, I could already swear at things and laughed on the rides we took. I'm getting used with those things I fear the most now. Thanx to Dee for checking on my lame nerves (I got it from Dad; maybe that's why he refused to go with us) at the first place.

About the mood-icon. Should I put "gifted", "pukey (I was kinda' pukey at the theme park)", or both?

I can't stand to the lame browsers I have to use on net-cafes ^^;. I post this from my own PC. Maybe, later on, I'll post my thoughts from net-cafes.

I'm posting from a net-cafe nearby.

2004-04-04T17:57:00.000+07:00

So, I'm not really dead for some reasons. I've made up my mind to start posting my thoughts from net-cafes, instead from my own PC, at least for the next 2 months. I think I'm going to post regularly every weekend (instead every sleepless night) then. I don't have extra money to pay for the net-cafes (neither for the bills my provider sent me), you know.
The prob maybe that browsers in net-cafes are God-damn lame enough than my 56k modem and dial-up connection I have at home. Damn, I'm CRAWLING here!

---Halaman Rawa---

2004-04-03T06:06:00.000+07:00

---Halaman Rawa---
My last blog for the month of April, I guess...
It's a nice blog, and I like the way Mas Ochan sees his life and put it in his blog. It's a rather reflectional blog for him, I think.

Sayounara, minna-san...

Farewell to my blog...--_--;

2004-04-03T03:36:00.000+07:00

I've been posting for about 5 or 6 times yesterday... Never wanna really give this blog up, I think. Not really give up, though.
It's just that I have this thing of making the most of my last seconds in highschool in my mind. And to let my Mum breathe more freely from the bills.
Thank you to siluetkucing for visiting me again. I like your blog too. It's obviously 'brighter' than mine, 'eh? If you ever happen to visit this page again this month, I'm not sure that you'd find a new post or two... Sniffs...
Ah, the mood-icon stops to appear... It must be its mainsite again.

Watashi no Warumono.^^;

2004-04-02T03:30:00.000+07:00

Watashi no Rurouni...

2004-04-02T03:16:00.000+07:00

Watashi no Battousai!

2004-04-02T03:08:00.000+07:00

personality quiz result

2004-04-02T02:19:00.001+07:00

My personality is Ryoko from "Tenchi Muyo"! Nani? Who's that guy? Or is it a girl?
You have a personality similar to the character Ryoko in the series Tenchi:

You are strong, mischievous, and a little vain. You have no problems with taking revenge or fighting when you are threatened, or with playing jokes on friends. You do however have a soft spot that not many have the opportunity to see.

another update...

2004-04-02T00:55:00.000+07:00

I've added a mood-icon, a "Quote of the Day", and a tag-board...
I've ping (pang?) to weblogs too.

PenulisLepas.com - HOME

2004-04-01T23:38:00.000+07:00

PenulisLepas.com - HOME

C u all next month!

2004-04-01T22:22:00.000+07:00

THE BILLS! The f*$in' bills! And F*$IN' ME too!
I know I'm wrong... Oh, my... Me and my f*$in' insomnia... And the way I spend the night flawlessly too...
Ah, maybe I'll be back soon by early May or late April...
Oh, Mum, forgive me once again, please?
And God, please help us...
I'm terribly sorry for this...

The Conversation At Night

2004-04-01T03:03:00.000+07:00

This is a voiceless conversation;
Only lines of words,
And an old, shabby screen

And the night's still whipping;
The morning isn't coming yet...
When it'll come?

The body which locked away
by the same weariness,
The same fatigue.

This is a conversation without
a face nor eyes;
Just a vague smile
And the vapors of bitter tea

But why only not I get tired
of talking already?

*transliterated, originally made in Bahasa Indonesia on February 24, 2004.

Me, the Insomniac.

2004-04-01T02:18:00.000+07:00

I don't know why I use to get up at 1 or 2 am and almost completely dunno what to do next either. I thank to God for His gift of "conciousness in sleep" for me, but it leads me to my roaming through the net almost everynight...
I know some of my friends have a really hard time to make themselves awoke at night. Whereas, they try to wake up at night to complete or finish their papers or homeworks... And me? Still, warui de baka yo ne. I don't even remember about a single homeworks or papers I have to do... I'm just wondering about tomorrow now, "Is there any homework I (should) have done tonight?"
For tonight, maybe, I woke up because of my allergy... I have them coming again tonight. Damn.
Ehh... Maybe I got 3 tests tomorrow. And a paper to work on.<(--_--)>

This afternoon, a friend of mine who said that she likes the way I write my blog, told me that I sang "Journey" badly. NANI?! It was my offer to sing it for them (there were a couple of my friends who dropped by) instead of listening the original singer, though.^^; Ah, people always envy the genius.:P

I would like to say a happy, cheerful "HI too...!" to Chreezy and SiluetKucing. Yay! Thanx for dropping by too!

Just a day, just an ordinary day...

2004-03-31T17:25:00.000+07:00

Today runs seem really well, quite the most...
This morning, I went to school pretty late (again^^;). But instead of sitting in the front row (like usual^^;) by myself, I could sit with bunch of my friends and sit in the mid row. I was quite amazed; I thought to myself, "Well, late birds sometimes can get worms too, huh?" But then, I found out why.
About 6 guys didn't show up this morning. Don't know why, just a perfect day to play truant, I think.
Another couple of guys didn't show up either until the last class of today (which is, Civic). They were planning and doing 'something' about the yearbook. HAH! Talking about people who make the most of their positions... Me too, heheheh, while I was still a member of Student Council... Just a couple of times, though. ^___^;

Today, my Civic teacher gave us some brief explanations about our coming General Election (Pemilu). Unfortunately, I can't vote for the next April 5 election. Maybe, I'll get a chance to vote on July 5. I just can't wait to use my rights as a good citizen... Ooh!

Today, one of my friends told me that she likes the way I write my blog. Well...<(=^__^=)>

Journey, by Angela Zhang

2004-03-30T03:18:00.000+07:00

It's a long, long journey 'till I know where I'm supposed to be
It's a long, long journey and I don't know if I can believe

When shadows fall and block my eyes, I am lost and know that I must hide
It's a long, long journey 'till I find my way home to You

Many days I've spent, drifting on through empty shores
Wondering what's my purpose, wondering how to make me strong

I know I will falter, I know I will cry; I know You'll be standing by my side
It's a long, long journey; and I need to be close to You

Sometimes it feels noone understands; I don't even know why I do the things I do
When pride builds me up 'till I can't see my soul,
Will You break down these walls and pull me through?

'Cause it's a long, long journey 'till I feel that I am worth the price
You paid for me on calvary beneath those stormy skies

When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes, it feels like everything is out to make me lose control

'Cause it's a long, long journey 'till I find my way home to You
To You

It's a rather reflectional song for me than just a plain romantic-ballad song for lovers... I type capital "Y" in "you", 'cause I refer to God everytime I sing this beautiful song. Talking about a faithful believer, heheheh ^^;

Will I get the Monbukagakusho Scholarship?

2004-03-30T02:46:00.000+07:00

It has been boggling my mind lately...

People will assume that my scores at school are pretty good now; but in a class like the one I'm in, I'll be just an average girl with average scores too. It's not really bad (though I know I deserve more), actually. It's just a feeling deep down, that I shouldn't let this getting worse. I know I must do something about it. But what? And how?
I've been observing that my class, the So-Science 1 a.k.a Scopaholic, is not just a dump tray for failed nat-sciencian wannabes like the other two so-science classes (the so-called "All-Stars" and "Sprinsixo"). There are plenty of 'genuine' and potential so-sciencians here. And what could you have, if you got potential resources and basically-sneaky natures, both? Me, I would say a Slytherin. And Scopaholic seems to be a good example of Slytherin House in real life.
Inspite of being a Slytherin myself, I try really hard to learn the hard way (most of the time). It doesn't work really well, though. Talking about the minority.
I know I shouldn't let this go further and interfere more with my own goals and objectives in the future.
If I want to succeed in my efforts to achieve my goals while I still stick on my faith to believe in the 'hard way', I must try harder and contemplate more in what really best for me. I'll be the one who smile, sincerely, in the end! God knows who's the one. Absolutely. Let's just hope for the best from me from now on, eh?

My relieving weekend (finally!)...

2004-03-28T04:38:00.000+07:00

So, my try-outs week has ended... Not really ended, though, I still have other try-outs next week. But thank God, it's weekend already...
The tests ran well, generally. As I had predicted before, I failed in Economics and Accountances... I only got 66 (out of 100) from that subject. But still, the rest are pretty good.

The prob is, I do think now that the smart-ass-look-like girl who sat next to me during the whole try-outs week really took me for granted...XP
Earlier today, she admitted that I'm smart. Too smart, to the point that I think distant and difficult stuffs much, but not able to recognize simpler (or simplest?) ones... Huh?! What did you say?
During the tormenting week, she really astonished me with the way she asked me every f*%#in' 3 minutes... Let me ask the teachers then; if she's suck in tests just like this, why did y'all teachers let her to get the 1st place last semester? Oh, baka me. I know why. She came to school every morning at least 1 hour earlier than me, an she's obviously looks more 'diligent' than me. Me? Warui na baka yo ne. Everybody knows that already.
AND SHE GOT BETTER SCORES THIS WEEK! Am I the only one who can feel some kind of unjust atmosphere here? I beat her in English, by the way.
Oh yeah, did I tell you that by the time we had the Economics and Accountances (the subject she excels and sucks me) test, she rarely bent her head to me the way she used to the other times? She didn't even accept my answer when she asked me once! Never trust a hen to fly you the moon, eh?
She got 88 for that subject I lack the most. That girl.

I've added sitebanners to link to my fave sites! They're quite embellishing the page, ne? The only thing I can't figure of is, some of those sitebanners are broken and not appearing on the page...:,< Do I have to get my own webspace to save them? What webspace? I know I'm not really skillful in stuffs like these, but I desperately seek for advices...<(--_--)>

I'm planning to post my poems here. Just for reflectional-sense sake, though.

Am I that smart?

2004-03-24T16:02:00.000+07:00

My English test done seem really well. I got 91.67 out of 100. Got 55 out of 60. I knew that test was no equal to my usual tests from my English teacher... It was a nation-wide test, actually. Not a "for A-ranked schools" students like me. Sheesh.

I sit next to Fika, the #1 student last semester I've mentioned a couple of days ago, this examination week... Thought she would be that harsh, obnoxious smart-ass girl with that mightier-than-you look, but she can be a pretty nice temporary deskmate! She asked me more than I asked her, and it astonished me (a lot). I began to think that I might be smarter than she is, nyahahahahah!
By the way, inspite of the fact that she's still considered the 1st in our class, she acted like she isn't towards me. I don't know if she would ask me during the test this much (to me?!). Hey, she asked me quite many in our Literature test, and she got 50 out of 60 and me (the one who gave her so much assistances), myself, only got 48! Darn, I can't stand to newly-built friendship sometimes...<(--_--)>
But hey! I didn't read any of my books or notes last night (I slept during the noon, the afternoon, and got back to my bed as soon as possible the following evening^^;), and I must admit that I owe her today... I never exceed in Economics and Accountance, you know. I'm not that diligent, a potential-manager-in-the-future wannabe.

Last night, my almost-megalomaniac sist came back to her town. My narcist bro' had a flight to the same town the morning before. And here I am now, left alone in this metropolis, having my tests. God knows how much I get bored each and every minute.

2004-03-22T04:46:00.000+07:00

My bro' and sist came from outta' town to spend the weekend last Friday night.
On the following morning, I ran in a local stadium for about 2.4 k in 17.03 minutes. Talking about a road-runner...
Once more, people thought I'm a nat-sciencian student. Did I say that I failed in Physics and suck in Maths? That's why I became a so-sciencian student, for God's sake! I'd be better off with History and English classes than with the school labs...
Dad went outta' town on Saturday afternoon. He said it would be some kind of a "spiritual journey". Duuh...! He should have been working this following week!
This Sunday, I went to another school to take a try-out test. From about 200, I got 131. I lost 32 and left the remainings. Bleh. Better get more books to read, eh?
By the way, I forgot one of my friends' birthday this Sunday. I thought March 21 is on Monday. I wonder if she got mad at me again like the way she had last month.

Just updating here and there.

2004-03-19T05:00:00.000+07:00

Have you ever felt that your days just pass you by, without anything happened?
I feel kinda' bored wit' my life lately. I think I really need a loong... vacation. Just to get away from the hectic life of mine, I guess. And to get rid of my stresses due to my examination week. Wee... Sounds like somekind of festive week, but the real fact is, it's a hell good week for my torturing teachers only...XP
And about this March... I have my bro' had his birthday last March 9. I skipped him. Got my 2 bestfriends have their birthdays on the 12th and 21st. Struggled hard to get 'em presents. My deskmate's is on March 24. Already got one stuff she'll probably (but I will!) like.
The thing is, what about my own? So many expenses last Feb, what about this March? Worse. Kitto.

I begin to think of this, lately:
My life's boring. Mum mad at me regularly, and Dad's still a slug as he is. My bro' and sist are walking their own path in other town now, and I'm left here. My bestfriends are struggling really hard to get good scores at school, and I'm left behind. I don't have any boyfriend (not lookin' for one) and my crushes at school (undoubtedly) have their own 'interests'. Do I really need to run away from the chaos, start a whole new life from scratches?
Nope. God will help me somehow. I know it. And I know I can't even light a single match.

~Someday I'll fly, someday I'll soar... Someday I'll be so damn much more... Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for!~ John Meyer's "Bigger Than My Body"

Addicted...!!

2004-03-15T03:23:00.000+07:00

I guess I'm addicted with my computer...
Mum mad at me 'coz the bills for February stacked up to almost 80% of her monthly salary... Gosh, wish I could turn the time back...--_--
I know I'm such a bad, bad, bad kid, but there must be something I can do to help her!
But how?
'Kay, then... Think I should make some kind of prove to convince her that I'm not only that wicked daughter of hers... By excelling at school! Yay! it's a good idea, ne? The only prob might be just the teachers who hate me and those God-damn tests...^^;
In the mean time, maybe I'll blog once a week or two then, instead of every sleepless-night.

rUsh hOUrs...!!~The Sequel, nyahahahahah~

2004-03-09T00:01:00.000+07:00

I must get few things taken down seriously this next few months... In a really heart-stopping way, actually!
I'm going to have my university-entrance test this July, but I'm not even so sure that I can pass tomorrow's test...
I'm majoring in social science this very last year in highschool, in order to simplify my graduation; but I didn't expect that even when I'm dealing with basic maths and other social-studies-like lessons only, I'd get these painstaking moments...--___--;;
Nevertheless, I still have some goals and objectives due to my graduation and my future campus-life...*_*:
~ I'll choose to major in Japanese Literature at UI (University of Indonesia) and English Literature at UNJ (University of Jakarta, a local one) when I'm having my SPMB (university-entrance test). I prefer the first, though.
~ I'll take the UM-UGM (UGM's --University of Gajah Mada-- private entrance test)! My sister went there (and I think I'm going to take Psychology as well).
~ Eventhough I'm majoring in social science, I'm going to take UM-ITB (Bandung's Institute of Technology) to get into the Visual Communication Design faculty...
~ The Monbukagakusho Scholarship... I'll do my best to grab the opportunity to be a student in a university in Japan!

Phew! So many tests, and I even haven't mentioned the try-outs I have to take to prepare myself before I can take the above entrance tests and my finals to graduate from the highschool first! Aw, life can be really cruel at times...

Actually, I used to be the #1-student-kinda-thing in elementary and junior high; but eversince I devoted (almost) my 7-days-a-week for the Student Council and ROHIS last year, I dwindled drastically... I even thought that I might had some kind of trauma in my head, that I can hardly remember what the teachers said in my classes.

Ah, just wish me a really good luck, 'kay?

rUsh hOUrs...!!

2004-03-08T23:26:00.000+07:00

I feel like I'm running outta time lately... Everything's inplaced, messed-up, I'm totally screwed by my own self...

March 5, 2004

...rainy Saturday afternoon

I feel so bad this afternoon... But it’s worth what I’ve done (or it’s not?!), I guess. I’m bad to my Mum, I’m bad to my friends, and that makes me bad to myself too. Guess I should be better to my Mum, my friends, and myself from now on… I can’t bear if I’m hated by my Mum and my friends. Because the worst is, if Mum and my friends do hate me, I would hate myself more!
I’m really bad to people sometimes… I do things carelessly, never really mind what people would think of me or would be because of me. And I’m not even mentioning what would happen to me!

Do people ever really like or love me? It makes me wonder now. I’m bad to people. And it makes me suffer even worse. They’ll hate me, mad at me, sad because of me, and it’s upsetting, saddening me even more than them… I’m really bad.
Why am I bad to people? It’s my laziness and careless nature once again! Damn it, why am I keeping on doing things like this? I want things to be simple, but I made it more intricate. It seems that I’m not worthy enough to believe in and to be hold still. Nevertheless, I am not; I would be really sorry for those people I disappoint...
On the contrary, why do people keep on treating me good and nice? It relieves me so many times, but I feel worse than the time they’re mad at me. At least, when they’re mad at me, there’s some kind of “this is my karma” feeling!

“I’m sorry! I’m really sorry! I know I’m wrong!” I screamed hysterically.
My Mum didn’t say anything. T_T
“Yes! Yes, I know I shouldn’t have done that! I know it’s a terrible thing!” I grabbed her hands and tried to convince him while my tears began to drop.
“Err… Oh, yeah… Well…”
“Aaaahh…! Now that you really look tormented, it seems that there is no chance for me to be forgiven! I knew it! I knew I shouldn’t have made any excuses for my sin! I knew I’d make it even much worse!” I let her hands slipped and started to wail and shook my head hastily.
•_●
“No,” I mumbled. “Not that look!” I began to take steps backward, shivered.
She looked even much more upset than ever. _
“Noo… I know I’m such a bad person, but don’t be mad at me!” I banged my head to the wall. “It’s a sin for you, I know! I’m sorry for making you suffering this agony!” I kept on wailing.
She left me. (--___--;)
They forgive me, so why shouldn’t I forgive myself too then? There’ll be a rainbow after the storm, I believe. If I really stick to my promise of trying not to let people down once again, I wouldn’t be this bad anymore, right? And it’ll help me at the end too, eh? Hopefully!

…starry Saturday night

Tonight, by the time I woke and remember to post something in this journal, I found out that (accidentally) I might had something that aroused my alergent to cause me this alergic itches... The worst is, I saw my mutant-like face in the mirror after I just had this chased-by-a-maniac nightmare...--_-- Damn.

Making my way downtown...

2004-03-06T09:08:00.000+07:00

It's Saturday, and I still have to go to school? Gimme' a break!
But I still have to...
Yesterday, I've made 3 appointments for today...
#1: with my aerobic team.
Yeah, there'll be an exercise to get prepared for my finals, and it includes making some aerobic moves. I was obliged to make the "coolin' things down" moves since about two weeks ago, but I havent make any for today's exercise wit' my team... They'll kill me.

#2: with Inulz.
I never really like this girl (except for the time she gave me a really good answer in a test), but I've promised to meet her at school today to give her some copies of the PMDK requirements my Chem teacher gave us. Now that I begin to think of it, why did I agree to copy those sheets for her and come to school to give them to her? My mind is way too vulnerable for beggings sometimes...

#3: with my liqo' clique.
Actually, they're my friends from ROHIS, some kind of extracurricular organization in my school, where I had been one of the board last year. Eversince I was made to become a ROHIS member, I hang around with them regularly. Even when we're not the managing board anymore like now! Not like some of my friends from last year's Student Council, who had become strangers once again ('coz I've never known some of them before I became a Student Council member)... But in my class now, I sit next to my former Student Council friend, Eni. She's the same I met in Student Council, fortunately.
Oh yeah, about the date wit' my clique. We're going to have some kind of a trip to our (it's not really mine too, actually) dream campus, I guess... Just to feel the atmosphere.

Well, I think it'll be a 'real' day for me. I don't think it'll be a bad one, though. Just a day, just an ordinary day that I'm trying to get by...

2004-03-04T23:45:00.000+07:00

Actually, I would have a test tomorrow... Bleh.
It's almost midnight now, but I'm still diggin' on the net and doesn't look like someone who has something else more important to do... I even haven't taken a bath since this morning! And you can't call it a 'decent' bath too, actually... o . 0 Nyahahahahah...!!
Oh, sometimes I wonder if I would (finally) find my Mr. Right oneday... But then, what would happen if I tell him that I think the way cats bathe themselves is more simple (and lots of fun too) than man's?

2004-03-04T23:33:00.000+07:00

Ah, finally! ~Got my own blog~...
Yeah, I know... I should have done it since a few months ago, but hell with it.
~I have my own blog...~

~AiSubekiAshita:::TheLoveableTomorrow~

Crying for nothing

My first post of 2k6!

Waah~... Finally!

susume!

A day in the life...

another ramblings of mine...

"Back from hiatus!" *Err... I guess?*

End-Term Exam Report: S.U.C.K.S

Follow the light!

And yeah, I think I have a crush again...,,^.^,,

Am I doing OK?

Lost in nostalgic moods...

One pretty long post...

I don't wanna die~...!! *sobs*

A fun song to listen to and sing with, yet really describes myself...

Due to my new addictions about NARUTO...

Ah, I know I didn't get online for a while.

God loves me.

My major hypocrisy.

Love's in the air...!!

I'm high but I'm grounded...

Dunno why...

Na 'ah... Just a result from a random quiz at Quizilla.

Add to my new addictions:

I'm back...!!^o^

Yep, I'm going outta town this weekend...

another hard day with tests...

He's my man...

I'm Kenshin!

My time's almost done here!

So I've made another blog of mine...

So, there is always someone for someone...

Culture Shock Week

Doushite ("What's wrong" in English)?

Now I know what they mean with "webspace".

WASEDA UNIVERSITY, my dream campus...

/\/\ o u |_ z : Komik Indonesia euy..

JEJAK-JEJAK RODA BAJAJ

I LOVE MY MUM...!!

I'm posting from a net-cafe nearby.

---Halaman Rawa---

Farewell to my blog...--_--;

Watashi no Warumono.^^;

Watashi no Rurouni...

Watashi no Battousai!

personality quiz result

another update...

PenulisLepas.com - HOME

C u all next month!

The Conversation At Night

Me, the Insomniac.

Just a day, just an ordinary day...

Journey, by Angela Zhang

Will I get the Monbukagakusho Scholarship?

My relieving weekend (finally!)...

Am I that smart?

Just updating here and there.

Addicted...!!

rUsh hOUrs...!!~The Sequel, nyahahahahah~

rUsh hOUrs...!!

Making my way downtown...

"Back from hiatus!" Err... I guess?

I don't wanna die~...!! sobs