ashita wo yume mite kagayaiteta hibi...

~AiSubekiAshita:::TheLoveableTomorrow~
my mentally-disordered online journal and self-amusements for my triple-personalities...

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Crying for nothing

It's always funny, to feel sad or sorry for something that you don't exactly understand what it is, right?
Well, I've decided to bid a farewell to everything that's related to him. My promise of being away from him wouldn't be realized, if I don't move away from everything that would remind me of him too, right? And that particular promise have been pending ever since that "fake", so-called goodbye.
Phew...
There's a thorn in one of the corners in my heart now; a thorn of sad and sorry feelings, for I know that this time I'm sure that I'll lose him painfully. There's no goodbye or tears now, since I've been avoiding everything that's related to him for days and that *I think* he's avoiding me too by now (I just *concluded* found out that fact); so that there is no need to say something about things between us, eh? *Hahah, somehow this song from Mr Children I'm listening from the radio sounds really sad... ='P* I think he has a developed misunderstanding about me, but I think that would be just fine then. Though I just don't wanna end it like this, this painful. Somehow I don't wanna let it go this way. A sad goodbye would be okay for me, but this is an ending with things being unsettled...
Another unsolved mysteries of *my* life, I guess.
"So sorry for every hurt feeling I've given to you, so many thanks for everything you did for me; I think this is our last goodbye."

Kuroneko-Sama @ 11:19 AM Comments-[ comments.]
Friday, January 13, 2006

My first post of 2k6!

I've made another blog (the 3rd one!), unintendedly very early this year. Another new year, another new blog, I guess. Hahah, another "soon-to-be-neglected blog", I must say...^^;
I've made a new year wish also. I'd like to make my parents proud of me this year, by achieving a better GPA this 3rd semester. Now that I've had the final exam, it seems really hard to get that wish came true after all :(
What? My new year resolution? Eat more veggies! Veggies everyday, yay... That's called, "My Beauty Resolution of 2k6"! Haha, now it's obvious what my intention is.
I'm going to move to my friends' place this January. These last few months I was kinda' forget what was the thing that actually made me to make the decision of moving away from my sist. But hell, somehow, these few weeks I've been reminded.

Phew... Just wish me a better year! I think it would be a tough year for me, after all...

Kuroneko-Sama @ 9:37 AM Comments-[ comments.]
Friday, December 23, 2005

Waah~... Finally!

Whew, I thought something wrong have happened, since I haven't gotten my period in these few recent weeks... But this morning I should thank God, phew!
My negative thoughts about my cycle for this month was including, "Am I pregnant? Nobody ever told me that *BEEP...* would give me a baby!" Hahah^^; But the more positive thoughts of mine said that maybe it was just God's so-called "help", since I still owe Him one more day, due to my period on last Ramadhan... Heheh, I tend to believe the latter ;]
Or maybe it was only because of my hormonal imbalance (females, the easily-affected-by-their-hormones creatures =P ), dunno. And maybe that state of being unbalanced was because my daily strains that stress the hell outta me these few weeks... Blah. And today, by the time I've finished those reports and tasks, I got my period. What a coincidence *sour* But hell, nothing's really that incidental in life...

Kuroneko-Sama @ 5:49 PM Comments-[ comments.]
Tuesday, November 29, 2005

susume!

I got myself writing these following lines, last Monday morning (when I was in the Industrial/Organizational Psychology class^^;):

was it cold?
was it warm?
despite the cold voices of our farewell, the falling tears on our cheeks were warm...

was it sweet?
was it bitter?
was it sour?
such a sweet goodbye, with bitter jokes and sour smiles on both of our faces...

*the original verses on my handout page were written backward, I wrote the sweet-bitter-sour verse first*

Oh yes, so I was kinda' drowned in my own melodramatic mood yesterday. But today I've found myself doing my jobs and assignments pretty conciously (what, I didn't mention that I was like sleep-walking yesterday?) again, thank God. I know it's no good for me to be meddled with my own sentimental feelings. I've gotta' be strong, gotta' be tough! I've got my life to live, and soo... many other people I can share my love with! I should stop mumbling "Life sucks... 'Cause love hurts," 'cause life's d@mn way too beautiful to be spent with crying over such trivial stuff!
When I was doing my job today, Rick Price's Heaven Knows was played on my WinAmp as the rain started to pour outside. I was kinda', "D@mn, whatta' coincidence! Man, why this song is in my playlist anyway?" Hahah^^;
BTW, maybe the main theme for today's mood is susume namakemono of Do As Infinity. Eh, what's wrong with DAI? What, doesn't it remind me of, err... him? Hahah! OK, just a bit=P But, hey... I just love the spirit that song brought to me!

"sore de ii, sore ga ii...
susume namakemono yo!"

Kuroneko-Sama @ 4:38 PM Comments-[ comments.]
Tuesday, November 22, 2005

A day in the life...

November 20, 2005...
Call it a birthday bash, call it a rendezvous.
Call it an accomplished challenge, call it a proof.

Was it fun?
Oh, yes, it was quite a fun! A "wrong fun", I must say.
It was almost dream-like, though I'm sure that I wasn't dreaming back then.
Nevertheless, considering the closing part by the end of the day, I'm still asking myself whether it was a sweet or a bad dream...

The moment I saw the tears... "Vulnerable. Fragile."
Both of us are just ordinary people, after all. We do mistakes most of the time. And we regret it only after we learned that it was wrong. I can understand that.

I never knew that it would be this hard being 19.

Kuroneko-Sama @ 3:23 PM Comments-[ comments.]
Friday, September 16, 2005

another ramblings of mine...

I know this whole d@mn thing is wrong, but...

Man,I know this will be a big problem!
Don't ask me how, I just know it.

I'm not supposed to deal with this kind of stuff again, d@mmit.

Guess I've been losing my track...
Would it be possible for me to find my way back?

Such a beautiful mistake, my sweetest sin.

"It's just the chance we took,
Having never ever planned to fall in love, Love."
(Love, by TRAVIS, from The Man Who album)

Kuroneko-Sama @ 3:59 PM Comments-[ comments.]
Saturday, April 09, 2005

"Back from hiatus!" *Err... I guess?*

And yeah, here I am again! Someone miss me? *accepts a total silence* Err... Yeah, well... It's good to be back here^^;
Gee... It's been about three months, since the last time I updated this humble blog, I guess. Where have I been, you ask? *accepts another cold atmosphere^^;* Well...
It was my lack of will to be more responsible to everything I've started that always gets on my way, everytime I feel an urge to update this blog. Actually I wanted to write something down here a couple of times, but then other things got on my way as well... One of them is my active (kinda'=p) participations on some certain online forums (that can hold me for hours in front of the screen, if there's an interesting topic going on!). *Lemme' see... How many different nicknames I've been using for those forums?*
But then, by the time I felt really bad for neglecting this blog for months, as I wanted to start to update this blog all over again, the server for my digital-lab's down! D*mn... Don't you guys all know, I always use these public facilities a.k.a the PCs in my faculty's digital-lab to get online, eversince I moved to this town? I know what would happen with my attempts to post something if I still try to use the slow connection: USELESS! It happened to a friend of mine a couple of days ago; her post for her blog was vanished, instead of being published.
Nevertheless, today I decided to cope with that d*mn slow connection, and considered that maybe if it's not a large post then it would be okay. What did I find when I've managed to get to the digital-lab's front door? A paper with "CLOSED FOR MAINTENANCE" written on it!
Oh yeah, well... Here I am now, in a public internet-cafe with an ordinarily slow connection. Hope that the digital-lab's server recovered soon, because it requires a hell-d*mn much more money to be online from a public internet cafe than from my beloved digital-lab!
Another factor for my hiatus: I'm losing my track in English, recently. *boo-hoo...*

Kuroneko-Sama @ 9:40 AM Comments-[ comments.]
Tuesday, January 18, 2005

End-Term Exam Report: S.U.C.K.S

When I've just done my mid-term exam, I hoped that the end-term exam would help, but now it turns out to be a wishful thinking afterall.
The whole mentally-torturing process was horrible, though on one particular subject I might got a score with flying-colors. The end-term exam supposed to be my last hope to get good scores, so that I can continue my studies in a short time. Well... I guess it wouldn't be that easy.*sighs*
Though it seems that I'm undisturbed with the fact that my exams are in an absolute danger, it still stresses me beneath. Yeah, back to "my major hypocrisy" stuff. It's so... damn easy to hide beyond falsehood and lies.
Down in the dumps...

Kuroneko-Sama @ 11:36 AM Comments-[ comments.]
Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Follow the light!

So the short, so-called "holiday vacation" is finally over.
I had a quite nice time with my friends and families back at my hometown last week. You see, due to the holiday, I went back to my hometown for the last two weeks; and it was really nice to see them again. I actually felt kinda frustated, everytime I was thinking of leaving my hometown again after the vacation was over...
But my gloomy mood is over now!
Enough is enough, I've gotta go back to my daily activities now. Today is my second day in campus, and I still feel that for it's my choice to live far from my parents and left my hometown and friends, I should achieve some kinds of proof here!

Everyone's on the make, and everyone's out for themselves...
Yep, everytime "Oh, my life is one miserable thing," thought pops in my head, I always try to think that I'm not the poorest thing in this whole world, and that there are much more, many people who live harder, tougher life than mine. If mine is compared with theirs, I guess it's a rather mild-gentle one^^;

Me, I'm on the longest road, where everything's overload...
Talking about life and its cruelty, I always feel kinda lucky to find many types of characters in people I meet. But to face all strives and discords in this cruel, rigorous world, I need to find people with some distinct qualities that match mine...

But I've got my heart and soul, so don't throw me overboard...
I'm the type that adapts with the others, so I find myself fits almost every type of people. I reject others, only if they're not "good" people (but I've ended up having good relationships with those so-called "bad" people and proved that other people's prejudice towards them were wrong).

'Cos it's alright, just follow the light and don't be afraid of the dark!
I have a half-sist, a bestfriend of mine from my Junior-High years, and we're still maintaining our friendship though both of us left our hometown and live in even farther, different town now. Yeah, we're grown-ups-to-be and live separate lives now, but we're still a "we"!

In the moonlight, we'll dance till you fall and always be here, in my heart...
I have another sisterhood now^o^ I call it "The Mellow Yankees"; we're a real bunch of girl-gang-member type, but we're still mellow for having many experiences together and taking insights from those... Our bold acts maybe a real surprise for people who might think that we're angelically perfect in manners, but we are THAT bad. Really^^; Okay, we don't wreck stores or break some random doors, but I really think that the three of us really have some "problems".

'Cos it's alright, alright now...
I have a problem of having a split personality (I'm a bit defiant, aloof and phlegmatic; but really friendly and kind-hearted), Dahl is having a problem of falling in love easily (rather, heheh^^) and lives a hard life as first daughter and an older sister of a smartass little girl, and Dee has problems in finding her true identity and having somekind of fondness in "dirty stuffs" that Dahl and me always "Eew...!" at^^; We're THAT KIND of yankee.

And you're alright, alright now...
People live their lives, I should live my own live too. Everyone else's working hard, so I should work hard too!

Follow The Light belongs to Travis, a certain band from the Highlands (Scotland), and the italicized words are the lyrics from Follow The Light, from the album The Invisible Band.

Kuroneko-Sama @ 8:25 AM Comments-[ comments.]
Wednesday, October 20, 2004

And yeah, I think I have a crush again...,,^.^,,

I went to Tazz's blog yesterday, and found out that she has a series of stories about her new crush she found in her new class; I got pretty 'inspired', that I decided to write about the apple of my eyes these few weeks as well.

Trying to find the magic
Trying to write a classic

He's a senior who went to my Sociology class; I'm a 2004 and he's a 2001. I've met him earlier (he's my sis's junior), but at that time I was only, "Oh yeah, he's awfully sweet. So, what's for lunch, Sis?":p I know I'm pretty cold at guys sometimes. When I saw him walked into my class (it wasn't only me, the entire girls in my class were!) the first time later on, I was wondering if I ever met him before. But by the end of the class, I finally remembered...

Waste-bin full of paper
Clever rhymes, see you later

And yeah, so I end up going to my Sociology class with wishful thinkings now. I write random words that usually turned out to be love-song lyrics the whole noon before the class, sing those lyrics, and enthusiastically staring at the door. I wait for him appearing on the door, and fall deeply in gloom if he doesn't show up till the class over. Am I in love?

These words are my own
From my heart flown
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you

I dunno why I always end up falling for a popular guy. They're actually not that popular the first time I met them, but in the end it would turn out to be the whole girls lurking for them! I dunno if it's because I 'promote' them way... too much, that other girls eventually end up wanting them too; but I can say that I never fall for a guy's popularity! I know some people who fall for someone because their friend is in love with him/her first, or just because everyone else seems to love him/her; but it's definitely not me. I'm pretty honest with my own feelings, and I'm sure that I would fall for a guy if he deserves it.

There's no other way
To better say
I love you, I love you...

This guy (let's just call him WizBoy from now on^.~) is very quiet. I think he's kinda aware that every girl's eyes in my class are on him everytime he walked in, that he always comes along with the professor now. He always sits in the back (and I always in front rows!), avoiding being watched on his back, I guess. He even takes different path from my class's kids to go downstairs everytime the class is over! He's a real one quiet guy...

These words are my own
From my heart flown
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you

I accidentally met him this morning. Thank God I could manage to finish my Statistics test quite well, that I could meet him on my way to go downstairs... Thank God I could manage to smile at him... And thank God once again, that he smiled back at me!

There's no other way
To better say
I love you...

I didn't plan to follow him, so I walked down the stairs quickly; but we ran to each other again outside. I could hardly stand not to smile... I even walked behind him (rather unconciously, maybe^^;) till the parking lot! Ah, maybe I'll write a poem about him soon... I just can't figure out what I'm feeling right now...

I love you, is that okay...?

The italic lines are from Natasha Bedingfield's These Words.

Kuroneko-Sama @ 11:19 AM Comments-[ comments.]

moody me...

Yesterday and Today.mid by Do As Infinity (I'll put the MP3 soon, cause this MIDI ruins the mood!)

Me, Myself, and I

Blogger: Kuroyanagi Kotori a.k.a Kuroneko-sama a.k.a Ame-chan
Gender: female
Date of Birth: November 20, 1986
Likes: sleeping, books, anime-manga, cats, home-made cookings, nice guys, my Mum, life-time friends, earth's scent after the rain, computer, lime-tea with ginger, starry-sky, sunny-high-windy spots
Dislikes: arrogance, snakes, narcists, roaches, traffic jams, smokes, scattered junks, foot-cramps, cages, men with sleeveless or furry shirts
Wannabes: Pulitzer-prized writer, National Geographic reporter, independent archaeologist, "Supah Kool Mum and Wife"!
Wishes: getting a scholarship to Japan, having an around-the-world journey with Mum, talking in (at least) 5 languages, being a proud (and absolutely happy) member of Heaven (real one, the opposite of Hell...?)!
Just can't resist: guys with their collarbones shown, guys with friendly smiles, guys' tears, guys getting along with children, half-awakened guys
Drop me a line, onegaishimasu...!